Empathic Listening
It’s what counselors use to help people work through
problems.
Listening for feelings!
Benefits of Empathic Listening
1. Builds trust and respect
2. Enables the
disputants to release their emotions
3. Reduces tensions
4. Encourages the surfacing of information
5. Creates a safe
environment that is conducive to collaborative problem solving.
Guidelines for Empathic Listening
1. Be attentive. Be interested. Be alert and not distracted. Create a
positive atmosphere through nonverbal behavior.
2. Be a sounding board -- allow the speaker
to bounce ideas and feelings off you while assuming a nonjudgmental,
non-critical manner.
3. Don't ask a lot of questions. They can give the impression you are "grilling" the
speaker.
4. Act like a mirror -- reflect back what
you think the speaker is saying and feeling.
5. Don't discount the speaker's feelings by using stock
phrases like "It's not that bad," or "You'll feel better
tomorrow."
6. Don't let the speaker "hook" you. This can happen if you get angry or upset, allow yourself to get
involved in an argument, or pass judgment on the other person.
7. Give feedback by providing brief,
acknowledging responses, e.g., "Uh-huh," "I see." Give
nonverbal acknowledgements, e.g., head nodding, facial expressions matching the
speaker, open and relaxed body expression, eye contact. Make invitations to say
more, e.g., "Tell me about it," "I'd like to hear about
that."
10 Obstacles to Empathic Listening…
1. Do not “give advice” or try “educate”“I think you should…” “If I were you….” “There’s a great book about …”
2. Do not “explain it away”“She only said that cuz…” “He didn’t mean to” “I would have called but…”
3. Do not “correct” or “contradict” the speaker”
“That’s not how it happened…” “But you’re the one who…” “Wait! I never said that…”
4. Do not “console”
“It wasn’t your fault…” “You did the best you could…” “It could have been a lot worse…” “Things will get better…”
1. Do not “give advice” or try “educate”“I think you should…” “If I were you….” “There’s a great book about …”
2. Do not “explain it away”“She only said that cuz…” “He didn’t mean to” “I would have called but…”
3. Do not “correct” or “contradict” the speaker”
“That’s not how it happened…” “But you’re the one who…” “Wait! I never said that…”
4. Do not “console”
“It wasn’t your fault…” “You did the best you could…” “It could have been a lot worse…” “Things will get better…”
5. Do not “tell a story”
“That reminds me of the time…” “I know how you feel.
That happened to me…”
6. Do not “shut down” or “try to
change their feelings”
“Cheer up…” “Getting mad won’t
help…” “Feeling sorry for yourself won’t help…”
7. Do not “sympathize or pity”
“Oh, you poor thing…” “How can people do
that?” “That really sux!…”
8. Do not “question/interrogate/ or
investigate”
“When did this happen?…” “Why did you do that?”
“Why didn’t you call me…?” “What happened first?…”
9.
Do not “evaluate/judge”
“You’re too sensitive…” “The trouble with them
is…” “If you weren’t so ______, this wouldn’t have happened.”
“You never should have said that…”
10. Do not “One-Up” (I’ve had
it worse…”)
“That’s nothing
compared to what I went through…listen to this…” “If you think you’ve had
it tough, wait till you hear ….”
Example: #1
“I’m so mad at my history teacher. She makes me feel
like a complete idiot because she calls on me and I don’t know the answer.”
Wrong response: Hey, I got the answer wrong ten times in a row!
Why it’s wrong: “One upping”
Empathic response: It sounds like you had a bad day in math. Tell me more
about it.
EMPATHIC LISTENING PRACTICE assignment
Directions: Give both a “wrong” response and an
“empathic” response for the following comments. Behind the “wrong”
response, tell why it is wrong. (see 10 Obstacles…) Use at least 7 different “wrong” responses.
1. “I am so mad at
my history teacher. She makes me feel like a complete idiot because she
calls on me and I don’t know the answer!”
Empathic
response:
Wrong
response:
Why it’s wrong:
2. “Joe called me
last night and he was really rude. He told me that I better do his
research paper for him. He really takes me for granted, and I’m sick of
it, but I don’t really want to break up with him.”
Empathic response:
Wrong response:
Why it’s wrong:
3. “My mom and dad
told me I am grounded for two weeks. They just don’t trust me. All
I did was tell them my side of the story, and they think I am giving them “back
talk.”
Empathic
response:
Wrong response:
Why it’s wrong:
4. “I feel so
depressed. I just can’t seem to get anything done. I am really
behind in my classes.”
Empathic
response:
Wrong response:
Why it’s wrong:
5. “Jill is so
two-faced. I thought she was my friend, but she’s been telling everybody
that I cheated on my science test.”
Empathic
response:
Wrong response:
Why it’s wrong:
6. “Can you believe
it! I got a 29 on my ACT test! That’s way better than my friends
got!”
Empathic
response:
Wrong response:
Why it’s wrong:
7. “The last time I
showed up at work late, the boss told me that if it happened again, he was
going to get someone else to do my job, and I’d be fired. He is such a
jerk!”
Empathic
response:
Wrong response:
Why it’s wrong:
8. “My mom said
that my grandma and grandpa are going to Florida this winter instead of staying
here with us. I really hate to see them go. They have always been
there for me when I needed them.”
Empathic
response:
Wrong response:
Why it’s wrong:
9. “I think I am
going to go out for basketball this year. I didn’t last year because of
my bad knee, but it’s feeling a lot better now. I am worried that the
coach won’t give me much play time, though, cuz I wasn’t on the team last
year.”
Empathic
response:
Wrong response:
Why it’s wrong:
10. You shouldn’t have taken
his Kim’s side! You’re supposed to be my best friend. What’s
the deal? If that’s how friends act, you can forget it!”
Empathic
response:
Wrong response:
Why it’s wrong:
